Samba Mater
Samba Mater is the twenty-second episode of the spin-off, Absorbent Days, and the second episode of season two. In this episode, after Squilliam visits Squidward’s house during cleaning day, Squidward engages in another gloating contest. This contest inadvertently includes his college transcript, which Squidward claims is flawless. Yet, after carefully scoping the transcript, Squilliam points out that Squidward in fact got an “F” in samba. This sends Squidward into a mild depression, and SpongeBob must get him out of it. But how will SpongeBob do it? This episode is paired with Eye on the Krab. Characters *Squidward Tentacles *SpongeBob SquarePants *Eugene H. Krabs (cameo) *Miscellaneous Characters **Customers **Dancers **Judges ***Judge 1 ***Other three judges (yet with no speaking parts) Transcript *''begins with Squidward, spiffing up his house with paintings and cleaning rooms and the kitchen'' *'Squidward:' table off with duster; sniffs Hmm. This dust smells lovely. bristles of duster; begins coughing I don't think...coughs maybe I shouldn't...coughs inhale dust...cough so quicky. Word to the wise, Squiddy. *''cuts to outside of Squidward's window; Squidward is walking toward window with a bottle of cleaner and a wipe; camera cuts to inside of Squidward's house as he sprays the window and wipes'' *'Squidward:' the window and magnifying glass Everything I can see seems to be in check. up index finger Now for the true test. window off of wall; places glass under microscope; scans surface with lens Clean. Clean. Clean. Cl...speck! cuts to reveal the speck on the glass No matter. mouth to glass and blows speck off Now it's perfect. window back to wall Now to put you back on your humble throne where you shall now hang. to place window to wall; Squilliam breaks in through window *'Squilliam:' Hello-ho. in through window; throws window pane away *'Squidward:' defensively Squilliam! How dare you invade the privacy of my abode?! *'Squilliam:' walking around; sarcastically Oh, pardon my sudden entrance to your home, Squidward. I want to say that I have an excuse for this. around to Squidward Oh wait! I do. Two, in fact. around Squidward *'Squidward:' Squlliam's walking by standing face-to-face with him And what exactly would those reasons be? *'Squilliam:' sprays mouth spray into Squidward's mouth; walks toward coffee table First of all, isn't a squid's home any squid's home? *'Squidward:' scoffs As if. *'Squilliam:' back on couch The last and most important reason...laughs almost as important as myself...is that I now work for the Fancy House Department of Bikini Bottom. It's the most prestigous department in all of Bikini Bottom. Surprised nose up you hadn't heard about it. Someone with your sarcastically credentials can't be welcomed in. *'Squidward:' stutters My...with my...cre...what exactly is that supposed to mean?! I'll have you know that I passed with high honors in only the top classes at Grand Barrier Academy. *'Squilliam:' shocked face You don't say. I'd like to see some proof of that. *'Squidward:' Proof?! to drawer and searches through it; walks over to table Let's see where I put it. *'Squilliam:' through fingernails Having to search your house for such petty things like papers? scoffs How non''fancy. *'Squidward:' ''Save it for your house description, Squilliam. ''[takes out a sheet of paper Right here. up sheet of paper to Squilliam's face Do you see it? Huh? Huh?!'' *'Squilliam:' paper It needs to be scented. at transcript sheet; takes sheet *'Squidward:' See?! Perfect. How's that for un''fancy?! ''back to table Now, if you excuse me, plant I have a house to tidy up. nose up at Squilliam I suggest that you depart. *'Squilliam:' Oh, of course, Squid-Puffs. I shall say my too-da-loos...but right after I point out one last imperfection. transcript to Squidward Well, I must now say ta-ta as of now. of door arch; holding door knob Enjoy cleaning up your coughs abode, Squidward. door *'Squidward:' scoffs Why does that Squilliam always have to put his stubby little palms all over my stuff? at transcript Almost smudged my perfect report card. off transcript There we go. Spiffy. at grades All neatly lined with two horizontal lines connected by a straight line in the middle. at final grade And here, we have one vertical line with two horizontal lines extending from it. closer It looks like...yells in fear Aaaaaaah! Aaaah! in How can this be? An...an...an... *'SpongeBob:' up into scene I believe that letter right there is an "F", Squidward. *'Squidward:' face right to SpongeBob An "F" indeed, SpongeBob! An "F" indeed! to transcript How can this be? An imperfection! Right there! How can this be possible? *'SpongeBob:' Squidward on back Now now. I'm sure there's a logical reason as to why you got an "F". *'Squidward:' No, SpongeBob! It's impossible. The "F" is in my second best class! Dance! I could have sworn I had an "A" in that class when I graduated college! *'SpongeBob:' shoulders Well, could it be possible that you maybe just... *'Squidward:' SpongeBob's mouth with fingers Don't say it! There has to be some other way! *'SpongeBob:' comes through Sqidward's fingers It's the only way, Squidward. You must face the facts. The tough reality. The heat-wrenching truth. The... *'Squidward:' go of SpongeBob's mouth I get it, SpongeBob. down; sighs I guess I'll just have to face facts is all. I failed dance class. *'SpongeBob:' See. back Now that wasn't so hard, now was it? *'Squidward:' Yes. Yes it was. to walk away Maybe a little too hard. walks up stairs *'SpongeBob:' up transcript An "F" in dance, eh? reading And in samba. idea I think I know a way to fix this. *''cuts to the Krusty Krab; Mr. Krabs is walking around the Krusty Krab dining area; SpongeBob is cooking Krabby Patties and taking orders in place of Squidward'' *'SpongeBob:' grill One Krabby Patty and two large Krabby Fries. patty; patty lands on bun Why did they have to order fries? to fry batch; take fry pan out of grease; bell rings; SpongeBob hops out of window to ravenous customers; rises from register with notepad and pencil May I take your order, ma'am? *'Mr. Krabs:' up to counter SpongeBob, this customer is obviously a male! *'Customer:' female voice Why, I oughta...comes at Mr. Krabs in intention to slap; hand comes back at customer; hand slaps off wig, revealing a bald scalp; in a male voice Well, this is embarrasing. away *'SpongeBob:' customer walks up May I take... *'Mr. Krabs:' up SpongeBob May I ask you a question. SpongeBob in corner Why isn't Squidward here manning the register? *'SpongeBob:' He's forlorn. *'Mr. Krabs:' Forlorn? *'SpongeBob:' He realized he got an "F" in samba in college, and he's depressed. *'Mr. Krabs:' So? up arms He needs to be behind that register! I'm losing money because of this shenanigan! Get out there and bring that cephalopod back here so he can man that register! Right after I scold him! *'SpongeBob:' salutes Yes, sir! out of Krusty Krab I think I have a better plan, though, Mr. Krabs. *''cuts to Squidward's bedroom; Squidward is lying in bed, watching television; his eyes are squinted; he has a faint beard shadow; Squidward is surrounded by tissues and a tissue box'' *'Squidward:' sniffles Maybe I can lose myself in the world of television... *'Television:' We'll be right back after these messages. *'Squidward:' ...Right after these messages. *'Commercial:' Are you a failure? *'Squidward:' arms No. *'Commercial:' Do you need to learn how to dance? *'Squidward:' away No. *'Commercial:' Is there a certain squid out there who is in denial? *'Squidward:' N...sighs yes. *'Commercial:' Then come on down to the Square Dancing Academy. *'Squidward:' Square dancing? *'Commercial:' Where we teach, you guessed it...laughs samba! *'Squidward:' Samba?! Wait a minute. Samba? *'Commercial:' So come on down today. Learn to samba. *'Squidward:' smiles I knew I could lose myself in television. *''cuts to Squidward, walking down the street'' *'Squidward:' around The place is supposed to be around here somewhere. building Ah, here we are. into building with a glossy floor; bright lights and surrounded with dancers; Squidward spots the instructor Ah. Yes. to instructor Hello there, my good man. *'SpongeBob:' around Hey, Squidward! *'Squidward:' SpongeBob?! What are you doing here?! *'SpongeBob:' I see you didn't get my subliminal message. *'Squidward:' Subliminal...? You made that commercial?! *'SpongeBob:' head Indeed. *'Squidward:' What subliminal message?! *'SpongeBob:' This place out arms is called Square Dancing Academy. Square. Get it? to pants *'Squidward:' SpongeBob by arms Yes, I get. SpongeBob to face Why did you drag me here? *'SpongeBob:' For you to learn, silly. releases grip and steps back from SpongeBob For you to learn...the art...of...left arm in front of torso and throws the right arm into the air, imitating an "olé" pose samba! *'Squidward:' self Why do I feel as if there's no way out of this? *''cuts to an empty dance room; SpongeBob, in a dance suit, is standing next to Squidward, also in a dance suit'' *'SpongeBob:' Now, you want to learn how to samba, eh, Squidward? *'Squidward:' Learn?! *'SpongeBob:' Yes, learn. *'Squidward:' But I already k...! *'SpongeBob:' Beh beh beh. up finger Squidward, you cannot learn how to do any dance. You can only feel the steps inside you, and turn them into dance. *'Squidward:' Huh? *'SpongeBob:' Allow me to demonstrate. in Squidward, show me the "Coral Crackle". *'Squidward:' smiles Gladly. and lands on one foot *'SpongeBob:' Stop! head Nope. Wrong. *'Squidward:' Wrong? This is the exact way it goes. *'SpongeBob:' Yes, but you are too firm. to foot Your foot learned the moves, yet I can tell that you only know the moves. You don't let the pulse flow through you, and turn that knowledge into it like "dawnce" dance. *'Squidward:' "dawnce" as well Dance?! I know well enough about "dawnce dance to go around! I don't need this! off suit; stomps out of scene *''cuts to the Krusty Krab; Squidward is behind the register, taking an order'' *'Squidward:' So, can I take your order? *'Customer 2:' Where exactly is the menu? *'Squidward:' Menu? It's right upward with pen there. *'Customer 2:' up No, sir. to the menu I believe it's actually right there. *'Squidward:' up at pen, pointing to the right of the menu Huh? self I could have sworn I was pointing to the menu. *'Customer 2:' at menu I want a Krabby Patty. Hold the cheese. *'Squidward:' writing down order Krabby Patty. Hold the cheese. Coming up. *'Customer 2:' at pad Yikes. You really need to work on your penmanship. *'Squidward:' Huh? at pad to see squiggles and lines What's this? off paper SpongeBob, order up. hitting wall with hand while giving SpongeBob the order ticket *'SpongeBob:' Squidward's hand and takes ticket Uh...thanks, Squidward. at ticket It's a good thing I can read this after Mr. Krabs's little incident. a patty twice and it lands on bun Order up, Squiddy! *'Squidward:' tray Uh huh. toward customer Here you and tray hits customer's face are, sir. onto cash register; door pushes Squidward into wall; money begins flying loose; the money flies into the kitchen and falls onto the grill, burning them *'SpongeBob:' I don't think that the grill gives refunds. *'Mr. Krabs:' in kitchen and sees charred money; gasps in horror; pulls Squidward into kitchen I know you hated coming here everyday, Mr. Squidward, but out hands to charred money enough...for murder?! *'Squidward:' It wasn't exactly murder, Mr. Krabs. A few dollars only got burned. *'Mr. Krabs:' Squidward out of kitchen window; Squidward flies out of Krusty Krab doors And stay out of me restaurant with that foul mouth of yours! *'Squidward:' up; wipes self off This whole dance thing has got me so off-kiltered. sighs I don't think I can even see straight without falling or going the wrong way. up two fists I must take the dance class, whatever the costs may be. For the "A" in dance class...and to a lesser extent, my coordination! around and runs into Krusty Krab doors Ouch. *''cuts to Squidward, walking into the dance class'' *'Squidward:' dance outfit Time to the learn the art of the samba! *'Dancer 1:' up to Squidward Samba, indeed. "olé" position Olé. *'Squidward:' Isn't that flamenco dancing? *'Dancer 1:' I guess my father was right. up into air; flutters legs; lands with legs bent Everybody's a critic. right foot around left; spins out of scene *'Squidward:' stutters Crittic?! Why...you...growls I don't need this! stomping out of studio; stopped by SpongeBob *'SpongeBob:' Not yet, Squidward. You need to learn how to samba, or else you won't get that A in samba. *'Squidward:' sighs Yeah, you're right, SpongeBob. *'SpongeBob:' Now, we better get practicing. below camera; comes up behind Squidward in dance suit We want to "wow" the judges for your recital on Thursday. *'Squidward:' SpongeBob as they walk; smiles Right, again, Sponge...Dance recital?! You never said anything about a recital! *'SpongeBob:' I know, but I felt so confident you were going to do so well, I entered you in the most pretigious dance recital in all of the seven seas. *'Squidward:' chest I think my heart just stopped. *'SpongeBob:' Don't worry, Squidly. We have until this Thursday to practice. *'Squidward:' bottom eyelids; pulls them down and lets them retract; silently SpongeBob, what is tomorrow? *'SpongeBob:' Umm...thinks audition day? *'Squidward:' That's right! SpongeBob's arms How am I supposed to learn a dance in one day? *'SpongeBob:' releases grip Now now. We can do this, Squidward. Just calm down. And besides, if you want to learn this by tomorrow, you're going to have to hit the dance studio up powder; throws it on ground; Squidward and SpongeBob are teleported to the same empty room now! *'Squidward:' stretching I'll get started...grunts right after I do some stretches. *'SpongeBob:' Squidward Squidward. What did I tell you about "dawnce" dance? You need to feel it within. *'Squidward:' eyes Fine. Fine. Yet, you've never told me how I can feel the dance exaggerated emphasis within. *'SpongeBob:' I'm afraid I can tell you how to feel the dance inside you. Only you can feel it. Until then... *'Squidward:' Until then?! I only have until tomorrow to learn this stupid dance! out of room; takes off headband I'll find some other dance class to teach me such an ar...and falls to ground Ow. *'SpongeBob:' gasps Squidward. You've showed me. Do that again. *'Squidward:' up; wipes self off I'd rather not. pushes Squidward *'Squidward:' Ah! and falls to ground; stands up, angrily Do that again and you'll be hearing from my lawyers! *'SpongeBob:' Squidward. I've just found what might be able to make you learn samba. to feet Look at your feet, Squidward. You have six left feet. up arms You can never learn to samba. *'Squidward:' nervously So, what do I do? *'SpongeBob:' shoes Put on these shoes. My father has two left feet, and he wore these shoes to learn how to dance. *'Squidward:' shoes To learn to samba? *'SpongeBob:' No. To tap-dance. But that's beside the point. *'Squidward:' on shoes What do these shoes do? *'SpongeBob:' Questions later. on samba music Dance now. feet out You want to keep your feet spread apart first, Squidley. *'Squidward:' I can do without Squidley. feet out *'SpongeBob:' Now, lift your arms to the sky. hand up high *'Squidward:' hands Okay. Then what? *'SpongeBob:' tilts Gently tilt to your right. *'Squidward:' Okay. tilts Hey, these shoes really are doing the trick, eh? *'SpongeBob:' Yep. Now this is where it gets complicated. left foot forward; then right foot; steps back; steps forward *'Squidward:' SpongeBob's steps Whoa. This is amazing. How do they do it? *'SpongeBob:' They unlock your inner dance abilities. You never need to learn a dance. You feel it within. *'Squidward:' hands up Whoo hoo! I think I may be able to win the recital. *'SpongeBob:' I know you can, Squidward! But you better get plenty of rest. You need to be fully rested, or the shoes may not work properly. *'Squidward:' Yeah yeah. Thanks. out of dance studio, cheering *''cuts to Squidward, even up at 3:00 am, sitting at his couch, watching "House Fancy"'' *'Squidward:' I'm even too excited to sleep. laugh; looks at clock My dance audition starts in seven hours. giddly laugh Seven hours. No problem. That's enough time for sleep, don't you think? to bed; places self under covers Good night, Squiddy ol' boy. to sleep instantly *''cuts to the next morning at the dance audition stage; many contestants are chatting and walking around the stage; others are practicing moves; Squidward is backstage, preparing his shoes by shining them'' *'Squidward:' I have to make sure you guys look presentable for the audition. We don't want to win and be remembered as shivers "The Guy With The Dirty Winning Shoes" or something. *'SpongeBob:' behind curtain Squidward. You okay, back here? *'Squidward:' up shoes, peefectly polished Yep. Wish me luck, then, SpongeBob. scoffs As if I'll need it. I got the shoes on my side. *'SpongeBob:' Oh yeah. Speaking of the shoes, you got that fully-rested sleep, right? *'Announcer:' Now let the auditions begin! *'Squidward:' on shoes Ooh, I can't wait to "wow" the judges!...Up next, that is. *'Announcer:' Ooh, that performance...fell flat. audience erupts into a riot Oh, hold onto your pants! I'm looking in your direction, sir, keep them on! silences Up next, we have a young cephalopod by the name of... *'Squidward:' out from behind curtains Squidward Tentacles! right leg over left; left leg over right; repeats; to self Time for the show-stoppers. forward with left foot first, quickly; then right foot, quickly; steps back in same motion; repeats the left leg over right motion, yet with hands extended And now for the hop! and twirls; one shoe flies off Huh?! and slips; other shoe flies off What's going on? up; laughs nervously and exits stage; to SpongeBob There's something wrong with the shoes, SpongeBob! *'SpongeBob:' Did you get some sleep? *'Squidward:' Of course! *'SpongeBob:' Was it about nine to ten hours? *'Squidward:' Uh...well, it, uh... *'SpongeBob:' I told you that if you don't get a fully-rested sleep, then the shoes won't function properly. *'Squidward:' Oh no. back onto stage Listen everyone! I have somethng to say! silences This dance audition isn't about who can dance. It's about who has the courage to come out onto the stage and show their stuff. These people have been training with all of their hearts to be out here. at shoes Some, maybe even cheated a bit. But does that really all matter? Huh, people? *'Judge 1:' What's your point?! *'Squidward:' I came out here to reclaim my "A" in dance from college. There was a mistake on my transcript saying I got an "F", so I came to change that grade back to its original state. looks down But I guess I'll never get that "A" back. *'Judge 1:' computer Wait, Mr. Tentacles! According to the online transcript, you had straight "A's" in all of your classes. There was no "F". *'Squidward:' No "F"? How can that be?! *'Squilliam:' offscreen I think I can answer that question. When you have hands, you can do most anything. Including up real transcript switch out college transcripts. *'Squidward:' You switched out the transcripts?! *'Squilliam:' laughs Precisely. *'Squidward:' Then, who's is this? *'Squilliam:' Sadly, my only imperfection. My college transcript. *'Squidward:' angrily So, all of this time, you led me into a depression? Forced me to take a dance school I didn't even have to take? Made me re-learn a dance I didn't even need to re-learn? *'Squilliam:' The one and only. *'Squidward:' Imperfection, eh? How about I leave a few imperfections on you?! after Squilliam *'Squilliam:' Ah! running away *'Squidward:' Get back here! and falls to ground Stupid coordination. *''ends'' Category:Absorbent Days Category:Absorbent Days Episodes Category:Episodes Category:Absorbent Days Episodes: Season Two Category:2013 Category:Transcripts Category:Episode Transcripts